Remember all those times you saw a woman driving a nice car and thought, “Damn, I wonder what her husband does for a living?”

This guy takes it a step further.

Check out his blog at www.menarebetterthanwomen.com

I was reminded recently that some women like to brag about how many guys want to sleep with them.

In response to that I pose this question: How many of those guys would actually date you?

That’s right. Not very many.

There are a lot of guides out there on winning a fist fight, and most of them aren’t that useful. In my experience they’re either too vague, or spend half the time convincing you NOT to get in a fight, which is good advice in general, but that’s not why we are reading the guide, am I right?

Most people get in a fight at some point in their life whether they want to or not, and it’s better to be prepared for how things really go down. This guide will assume that you are fighting one person. If you are fighting more than one person you are pretty much screwed unless you are either armed, or SIGNIFICANTLY more powerful and trained than they are. If you are fighting a small group of two or three it is possible, though extremely unlikely that you could come out ahead. We will go over that later.

Mandatory Disclaimer: This guide is for regular dudes fighting regular dudes. If you or your opponent is a trained fighter, the strategies of course will change. If you think of anything I’ve left out, or you want to disagree with something in this article, feel free to comment below.

The Basics:
1. Know when the fight is going to happen.
Most fights start with a sucker punch (and I use that term loosely). If you’re in someone’s face or someone is in your face, assume that you will be hit without warning at any time. The punch will not always come from the guy you’re trying to fight. In fact, a lot of the time you’ll get blindsided by the dude’s friend. This gets into a multiple person fight scenario and is out of the scope of this guide, but bottom line, try to have as many people with you as possible and keep an eye on whoever is within swinging distance of you. Many times you can see these sucker-puncher guys puffing themselves up in the background out of the limelight, so make sure they don’t move in to try and make a quick hero out of themselves.

2. Always get the first hit.
If you know the fight is going to happen, don’t waste time. Punch them in the face as hard as you can, with as little warning as possible. It may seem like a contradiction to what I said in Number 1, but a punch to someone who is in your face and clearly willing to fight is not a sucker punch. A sucker-punch is usually a term used by the loser of the fight to justify an ass beating.

Win the fight first, and take any heat for unfair fighting later. Remember, no one is going to remember that you got beat by a guy who fought unfairly, they’ll just remember you got your ass beat.

3. Make your first hit count.
Many times guys will start the fight with a hard shove. This is a mistake. Shoving the other guy just lets him know that you are down to fight but aren’t ready to go full force. If someone shoves you, come back with the hardest hit you can muster straight to their nose or jaw. A side note, don’t leave yourself too open with this first punch. If you are shoved back out of arm reach, don’t make it too obvious you are coming back in for a punch.

The key is to catch him by surprise and start the fight on your terms. I usually try to go with a hard punch to the nose first. If you’ve ever been punched in the nose you know it sucks. The nose is easy to break and causes your eyes to water like crazy. If you do damage to the opponents nose, the fight will either be over, or he’ll be at a psychological and physical disadvantage from the start.

Another good place to hit is the jaw. A good punch to the jaw is extremely jarring and can result in a broken jaw or even a KO, though this is hard to do. If you aim for the jaw, aim for the middle. Too high and you will hit mostly the cheekbone (not that effective), too low and you will mostly just slide off (also not that effective). Try to catch them with their mouth open. This will do the most damage.

Punches to the neck or the temple can result in a KO as well, as they are extremely sensitive areas. However they are often hard to hit and you run the chance of actually killing someone if you do enough damage in that area. If your choices are win the fight or die, then do what you need to do, poke their eyes out while you’re at it. However, for most of you, the goal is to beat ass, not kill, so I wouldn’t suggest trying to aim for the neck or temple if you have the option.

3. Hit as hard as you can.
This may seem obvious, but sometimes in fights I see people doing these lame little half-assed punches. It’s better to get one fight-ending punch than 20 worthless jabs. Even if you’re a boxer trained to jab to soften up your opponent I wouldn’t do it. Fights don’t have rounds and crazy shit can happen at any time.

Do as much damage as quickly as you can. You want the fight over as fast as possible.

Set up and punch through your hips. Try to get as much of your body behind it as possible. It helps to punch a heavy bag to get the feeling if you’ve never punched something hard. A punch’s power doesn’t come from your arm, it comes from the weight of your body pushing through the small point of your fist.

Keep your wrist straight, your fist clenched tight, (knuckle on the outside) and try to connect with the first two knuckles closest to your thumb at the top. If you hold your hand out to the side, with a straight wrist you can draw a straight line from your knuckles up your arm to your shoulder. Incorrect punching can result in a broken wrist, broken fingers, sprained thumbs, or any other amount of damage to your hand.

If your hand is injured and you must keep fighting, remember that the heel of your palm and your elbow are the two weapons your body can use effectively even when severely damaged.

4. Keep your head up.
Do not lower your head in an attempt to protect your face and swing like a wild man. This is extremely ineffective because you can’t see where your opponents attacks are coming from and it also severely weakens your punch. Punches thrown with your head down only involve your shoulder. It’s nearly impossible to get your body behind them for any real damage in the unlikely event that you connect with something.

This does NOT mean that you shouldn’t protect your face. By all means protect your face. Keep those fists up so they have to go through your hands to get at you, but don’t make the fight about trying to avoid getting hit. If you make him afraid of getting hit, he won’t be worrying about hitting you as much.

5. You’re going to get hit. Don’t worry about it.
Unless you knock the guy out with the first punch (which is always the goal) you will probably get hit at least once. That’s fine. If you’ve ever gotten hit in the face you realize it really doesn’t hurt that bad. Your adrenalin will be pumping so hard you’ll barely feel it. You may get knocked around by a punch, but the pain comes much later, after the fight is over (if at all).

This brings me to an important point: Worry about hurting them, don’t worry about them hurting you. If they go for a punch, step right in and hit them harder at the same time. By stepping in you lessen the impact of their blow, move your body where it isn’t expected, and hit them with your forward motion. Your punch will likely be much more effective than theirs. This doesn’t mean don’t block their punches. If you have an opportunity to block, go for it.

Notice if the guy you’re fighting is right or left handed. Usually the hand that is farther back will be his strong hand. If the guy is right handed, I’ll usually wait till I see him wind up, raise my left arm up to block and pivot my body in for a hard right. At that point my opponent is usually extended and most off balance. Of course be careful of your opponent doing this to you as well.

6. The fight is going to the ground. Be on top.
Again, an obvious statement, but important. The fight will probably end up on the ground sooner rather than later. Most guys are better wrestlers than they are boxers. They will be looking to get on top and beat you without giving you a chance to fight back.

Likely your opponent will try a standard double leg takedown, or some ugly variation thereof. This gives you two options: take them down first, or wait till they try to take you down and counter. If you have any skill at wrestling, go for a take down. Remember, hard and fast, with no warning (just like with your woman).

Don’t half-ass a takedown. It’s all or nothing. If you get stuck down there he will pound your face in. Drop to a knee and drive through him hard. Pick him up or turn him 90 degrees to the ground. Most people screw up takedowns cause they don’t drive through when the guys sprawls out on them. Go balls to the walls, like everything else in a fight.

If he goes for the takedown first you have two options. You can sprawl out and beat his head in from your feet while he is on his knees, or you can try and turn him and get on top of him. Since my experience is more in grappling, I usually go for the turn.

This move is called a pancake, and if you’ve never heard of it, you should look it up and practice it at home with your buddies, so that it will come naturally when someone tries to take you down. Same with the sprawl. They are important tools to have. If you’re successful with the pancake you will end up on top of them. Get your legs around them above their hips and beat their face in.

7. Pay attention to your opponent and your surroundings.
If you know your opponent is a professional boxer, don’t try to outbox him. Try to take him down. If you know your opponent is an all-state wrestler, stay on your feet and don’t let him get too close. Scope your surroundings. Fights are won and lost by people losing footing or tripping over something.

Look out for couches, puddles, cars, etc. Pay attention to the shoes you are wearing. If you are fighting in sandals maybe it would be better to take them off and go barefooted. Having scraped feet is better than having a swollen face because you tripped in your floppy ass Rainbows.

A Few Notes:

On Weapons:
Someone may have one, keep your eyes open. This is the risk you take when you fight people. Most people don’t like losing fights and want an edge. Fights can get taken way too far, way too fast when weapons get involved. A fist fight may get you sued or community service. A knife will get you years in prison in for a first time offense. Act accordingly.

It’s tempting to use beer bottles across the head, but beware. Beer bottles can FUCK someone up. I once saw a kid get his eyeball knocked out from a beer bottle across the head. Don’t let it happen to you, and don’t do it to someone else unless you are ready to pay the potential consequences.

On Fighting More Than One Person:

Most likely a losing battle.

STAY ON YOUR FEET. Only so much damage can happen to you while you are on your feet. If you drop down, they will kick you until they decide to stop, which could be after permanent brain damage or death. Most people deep down are pussies and will hang back and let someone else lead the attack. If you are in a ball on the ground you aren’t a threat you are open season for even the biggest pussy to attack.

A guy on his feet swinging at anything within reach is a threat, and can make people hesitant.

DON’T GET CORNERED. Keep them all in front of you in one direction if you can. Back off till they come at you, then hit the closest guy as hard as you can. Continue backing out and hitting someone, backing out and hitting someone.

Don’t let them all attack you at once or you are through. If they rush you all at once, try to hit through the outside guy and circle till they are in front of you again.

Remember you are at an extreme disadvantage, your only tool is to keep them intimidated and unable to coordinate. Single one guy out and try to take him out in one punch then move to the next. Let no one get behind you. A good punch to the leader can make a small group think twice about attacking you again.

When fighting a large group, you’re only chance is to stay on your feet long enough to run away.

On Locations:
Don’t fight in clubs or bars if you can help it. This is where a lot of fights happen, but it’s also where a lot of people get arrested.

Don’t fight in deserted alleyways where you can get shanked and no one knows who did it.

BOTTOM LINE:
In a fight strategy goes out the window fast. Nothing is substitute for experience. Keep your head up, your wits about you, and fight to win. Fight like you are fearless and all you care about is beating someone’s face in. Hit with everything you’ve got and don’t miss. Anything less and you will lose.

copyright jabcomix.com

I recently had the awkward pleasure of explaining to my non-girlfriend why the prospect of boning Princess Jasmine was more exciting than the prospect of boning her.

After a few ambiguous mutterings about the smoothness of Jasmine’s animated curves and her spicy Indian attitude, I gave in and admitted that my real live non-girlfriend was much more attractive than any 2-Dimensional floozy.

This however was not true.

Jasmine is way hotter than my non-girlfriend or any girl that I have known, period.

At first I thought I was weird for feeling this way and tried to hide my attraction for cartoon women. Thankfully, the internet is a big place, and everyone can find their niche. I discovered I wasn’t alone. Toon porn sites abound on the internet, and former pervert doodlers like Jab! can become virtual celebrities if their Mrs. Jetson sketches come close enough.

I realized that what some consider an “abnormal fetish” for cartoon women is actually just a pretty commonplace attraction that often runs parallel to most men’s attraction to real women.

So what is it about these cartoon women that turn us on, sometimes more than pictures of “real women?” (I use quotations here to point out that photographs of live women are also 2-dimensional and often so photoshopped as to be considered animations themselves, but that is a debate for another day)

I blame Disney.

Like the generations before us, we grew up watching the Disney movies. Our concepts of right and wrong, our perceptions of violence, our introduction to love, were all rooted in these animated films that we watched over and over and over. As each Hero or Heroine overcame their obstacles, we saw them rewarded with an ideal romantic partner. Aladdin won Princess Jasmine, Ariel won Prince Eric, etc.

As children, we looked to the Heros for our perception of masculinity and the Heroines for our perception of femininity. Carl Jung calls this feminine perspective the Anima, or “the unconscious idea of the feminine.” Jung believed that the Anima is formed most heavily from a man’s mother, but is also influenced by other females encountered in a man’s life.

To grossly oversimplify, we as males our often guilty of being attracted to and falling in love with women that we unconsciously feel fit our idea of the Anima. As a generation that grew up with the TV, our Anima (and more generically our concepts of love, sexuality, and gender roles) has been heavily influenced by cartoon women. The Disney Princesses are, for many men, the ideal manifestation of the female.

When we see an image of a cartoon woman, we see a reflection of all our expectations of the female, with none of the physical, emotional, or logistical reality checks to hold back our imagination and sexual appetite. How many times have you seen a picture of a beautiful woman that was perfect except for one small thing that just didn’t do it for you? Cartoon women are devoid of these perceived “defects,” and are created with the sole purpose of conjuring up a mental projection of an ideal woman. (Plato’s Forms anyone?)

Long story short, next time your girlfriend or non-girlfriend tries to give you some shit about wanting to do Pocahontas in her hot leather mini-skirt, quote some Jungian psychology and watch her scramble for some justification. Because we all know girls don’t read!